The Door Opened For Me - A Review of The Primal Wound:Understanding the Adopted Child

For many many years, I had struggled in this world. I did not know what was behind my mood swings, depression, lack of self-confidence. A friend suggested I look at this book, and it was as if a door opened and a bright light was there behind it. 

Nancy Verrier's theory is that there is a Primal Wound that every adoptee suffers - that is, the wound of being separated from the mother that carried the child for 9 months. It's an interesting theory. Anyone who has carried a child for 9 months can tell you that there is a bond that is formed with your unborn child. I "knew" things about my children before they were born; had insights into their personalities, what they would be like. 

Ms. Verrier takes this to the level of what happens when that bond is broken through adoption. Simple things like a baby hearing the mother's voice for nine months are highlighted. She discusses the inherent differences between a biological and an adopted child (she had one of each) and what prompted her to write this book. 

It's an interesting read, and for me it was my first insight into the fact that what I had felt for all those years did not mean I was crazy (at times I was ready to check myself into a hospital for treatment). It was something that quite a few adoptees seem to experience. That fact alone put my mind at ease. 

Ms. Verrier does not go as far as some of the recent authors of adoption books and say that adoption is all bad. It is necessary and I agree with her on that. She cites and example of a child who was set on fire by its natural mother being in the hospital crying for its mother. The mother has done terrible things to the child (and should not be with that parent) but still has an inescapable bond and yearns for that parent. 

There are some drawbacks to the book itself. Some of the behaviors and symptoms she describes are broad, sweeping generalizations that seemed (to me) to be able to applied to just about anyone - adopted or not. There is one chapter on Genetic Sexual Attraction that really sent my head spinning. Some things I'm probably better off not knowing about! 

My feeling is that a lot of adoptees go through this in one way, shape or form. I would not go as far as Ms. Verrier and say that all have. I do think that this book is something that all adoptees and adoptive parents should read, simply because you know what's behind a lot of the feelings a child may exhibit. It would be a comfort for a parent to know that they were not doing anything wrong, and that what their (adopted) child is feeling is normal. It also can help adoptive parents understand the child's feelings and work through them. Most adoptees have learned to speak in code when talking about our own feelings because we have been taught our whole lives how we should feel about adoption. However, getting a person to speak about how they really feel is hard because we are always afraid of hurting other people's feelings. 

This is an interesting book to have in your home library if you have adopted children. Take from it what you can, and leave the rest behind.